im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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