i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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