I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
