bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
