He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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