for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
