Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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