you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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