Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
