i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
