I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Randomize
