Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
