Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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