Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
