I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
