i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize