Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
