how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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