I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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