Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
