i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
