I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
