it's great music for shaving your balls
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
where are my eyebrows?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
