Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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