First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
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