I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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