I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Randomize
