I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
