DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I don't think brook has ever known best
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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