My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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