i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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