Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
