I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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