I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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