Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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