I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
