if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
