Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
