He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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