We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
