I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
