I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
