i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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