Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
