If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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