You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
We need to get me chipped asap
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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