I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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