I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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