God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
