dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
