you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
