Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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