i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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