Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
