I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
