And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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