mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
