I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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