Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
