some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
