Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize