i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
