it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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