Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
