I just saw a hot homeless man
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
